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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913766">f u t u r e   -   g u i l t</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoons_noon_spoon/pseuds/yoons_noon_spoon'>yoons_noon_spoon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Dramatic Tags, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Impulse Control, Main Characters Don't Die, Mental Breakdown, Mild Tags, Mood Swings, Non-Graphic Violence, One Shot, Other, Post-Break Up, Post-Time Skip, Reader Is Barely Mentioned, Reader-Insert, References to Depression, Very Mild Physical Abuse, Very Mild Verbal Abuse, Why Did I Write This?, english isn't my first language</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:02:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoons_noon_spoon/pseuds/yoons_noon_spoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>[ Actual summary is on the second chapter ]</p><p>If anything upsets you... Please don't force yourself to continue reading, don't guess that the story lightens up, please don't skip through the story either - I worked hard on this.</p><p>Also, if you want to use this for story inspiration; go ahead, just ask and leave credit through a link to this story or my profile.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou &amp; Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou &amp; Reader, Hinata Shouyou/Reader, Numai Kazuma/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. o n e</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hello, the chapter after this one is an angst type one-shot for a Hinata Shoyo / neutral reader</p><p> </p><p>I don't plan on making more one-shot stories on this one as they make me feel pressured to write stuff and I'll start to not enjoy it anymore, meaning, I expect to see no requests in the comments unless I say otherwise</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, the only actual chapter will have warnings at the top, any and all, major and minor, big and small, when I say all, I meant all warnings - Why? So you don't get triggered, I don't want you to be sad, mad, or upset</p><p> </p><p>While on the topic of tags... Most tags are a bit exaggerated but I wanted to put everything even if it's very mild, don't want to to find something that triggers you and you didn't know it was there because of the lack of tags</p><p> </p><p>If anything upsets you: don't force yourself to continue reading, don't guess that the story lightens up, and please don't skip through the story - I worked hard on it</p><p> </p><p>If you want to use this for story inspiration; go ahead, just ask and leave credit through a link to this story or my profile; up to you</p><p> </p><p>Finally, I only take proper compliments; as in don't give me those one-sentence compliments, I really do adore them, but I'm looking for advice and feedback, and maybe even some praise - Sue me if you want</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <a href="https://www.quotev.com/yoonsnoonspoon">[   q u o t e v   ]   -   m a i n  .  a c c o u n t</a> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Have a nice day 🤍</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. [   l o s t   -   a p o l o g i e s   ]</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>- - - [ passing the guilt ] - - -</p><p>The two were dating for almost two years until the arguments and fighting got worse.</p><p>So when Hinata was in Brazil, during a very heated argument over the phone, the reader broke up with him.</p><p>Later, when Hinata returns to Japan, he learns that the reader moved onto a happier relationship; he should move on too, but how can he?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was originally written using feminine pronouns but rewritten to use neutral pronouns, so I'm sorry if you find any non-neutral pronouns for the reader</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h2>w a r n i n g s <strong>:</strong>
</h2><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>mentions of implied violence, rarely any dialogue, reader is barley mentioned, implied obsessional actions, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks, implied depressive mood swings, mentions of implied verbal abuse, small mentions of very mild physical abuse, reader's new partner is male, bittersweet ending, plus all the tags</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>        Sighing, the young lad grips his hair in frustration at first until his hands snaked down to squeeze his shoulders, but immediately loosens his grip when the action flashes a memory; it showed a snippet of his hands firmly gripping a pair of bare shoulders that didn't belong to his body, a bit too firmly. The ginger tenses suddenly at the abrupt end of the silence, someone was tapping on the door. That's right, he was in the bathroom on a plane, how could he forget that? He had his head up in the clouds again, that's what his, <em>friend</em>, would tell him from time to time. Yes, he was all fine, is what the lad said loud enough for the flight attendant to hear.</p><p> </p><p>        What's this feeling, almost feels like it's hunger but not quite, was he getting motion sick again? Sitting back in his seat at the window, he wipes off the residue on his lips with his sleeve, not very professional but it does the job. Looking out the window, even though it was night, he could already recognize the area; thanks to the odd empty feeling swelling at the bottom of his stomach, or was it in his throat? He thinks he's going to be sick again but nothing comes up when he's back in the toilet. Relaxing his muscles is easy when he's with... His mind trailed off its track again, it happens more frequently, his partner tells him he's a dreamer- No, his partner <em>used </em>to tell him he was a dreamer, he still has to get used to using the past tense, especially now that...</p><p> </p><p>        He trails off and the silent bubble around him pops to reveal the same flight attendant's voice; the young man braces himself, not just for the landing, but to possibly see his partner again- <em>ex</em>-partner, he meant ex-partner... Tokyo, the heart of Japan. Japan, where he got into volleyball. Japan, the home where he met... Japan, where his heart was when he was in Brazil... He catches himself before letting his mind start floating around again, why can't he focus; now that he thinks of it, was the air in Japan always this thick? It's hard to breathe, where is he, why did he come back, who is that? The tanned ginger recognizes that he's having a panic attack, similar to his partner- similar to the panic attacks a person he knew would have sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>        Another memory he regrets flashes before him for a short moment. The memory shows the person he knew looking almost scared while also seeing his two hands waving the air in frustration. The welling of tears was the only thing he felt, other than regret, guilt, and dizziness. The sound of frustration and disappointment is released from the ginger for what seems like the eighth time, however, said ginger does eventually made his way to his destination; an old friend's house, which so happens to also be his top sponsor.</p><p> </p><p>        Knocking on the door, a young man who looks like he hasn't slept for weeks or was just not expecting a visitor, both equally seem likely. A young and wealthy Youtuber in university and just so happens to be the CEO of his own company, the infamous Kenma Kozume; Kodzuken when online. He and Ginger go way back, to when the ladder's career first sparked; a first-year playing volleyball against another school. Hinata Shoyo, an international volleyball player that jumps around for not just training but on the court as well, but due to the news that he just got dumped took a harsh drop in his reputation as a happy and cheerful lad; the sporting community was shocked that he got dumped, they didn't even know he was dating anyone in the first place. The community only learned about this when some fans noticed a faint mark on his cheek and during an interview, he wasn't 'on top of my game' he said to one reporter.</p><p> </p><p>        After a few pestering later, the world of sports was informed that one of their most arguably charming volleyball players had his partner leave. '... With the burden of my partner's leave, it really lowers my spirits...' he said to another reporter the same day after a match where he missed a set 'by a long-shot' says one of his teammates. So here he is, summoned by his long-haired friend for comfort and collaboration on one of his YouTube streams, a Q&amp;A of sorts. The questions were mild, Hinata was nervous if the questions would be more directed towards him or his personal life like his relationship situation, but he was relieved that many of the questions were for his friend to answer or he would answer for him. The common question theme was related to money or Kenma's ideal girlfriend; at one point, Kenma replied with something about 'what if I like guys' and the chat went silent.</p><p> </p><p>        That silence lasted very shortly before the live-chat erupted into a whole new theme of questions; sexuality and preference related questions, the ginger was surprised at how calm and unfazed his friend was. Taking off his headset, the faint-bleached-haired lad turned to his friend, who was starting to look better and cheerful. Good is what he thought, that's what friends are for; being there to cheer you on and raise your spirits. A soft smile laid on his face for a moment before going neutral again, he asked his younger friend if he would like something to drink. Ginger replied with a question and asked if he could have any umetini, saying that he could use a drink to relax. Kenma, however, thought that his friend shouldn't have that drink just yet, it's not the fact that it's still early nor the fact that he didn't have it at the moment; Kenma could lie and say yes then just order it, but no, it's the fact that the drink tied between Hinata and a certain unmentionable person.</p><p> </p><p>        [Full Name] was the one that introduced Hinata to that drink, the two bonded over it since it was now both of their favourite drinks; [Surname] was also the one that showed Hinata the perfect place to get the drink from, that was before Hinata's trip. Given the current state of mind his ginger friend's in, Kenma takes a risk of agreeing; not before he could poke at Ginger to see if he really isn't aware of the drink he just mentioned. The younger man, for a split moment, was startled and tensed up at the mention of an umetini, his face darkens he lowered his gaze from carefree to overthinking.</p><p> </p><p>        He would say something, something about wanting to try it again once he got back to Japan, 'the first thing I wanted to do when I got back was to drink it again, just one last time' and the words of 'it'll be my own way of thanking them' goes left unsaid but forever echoing in his mind; regret and guilt on both shoulders, just like his hands. Uncomfortably, his friend attempted to comfort him, until he got up and left abruptly, he felt sick, dizzy, and lost again. After heading out and walking mindlessly, the lad started to wonder; how did he get here with those very simplistic directions?</p><p> </p><p>        'Near that big temple with the green tiles on...' He reread the first part of that only 'helpful input' of where to go; he feels lucky that he could remember where that street was. Another memory plays, he represses it since he ironically remembers it like yesterday; it was when he forgot to company his partner at their relative's funeral, he did not hear the end of those cries which are now ingrained into his mind. He feels horrible now, but at the time, as much as he doesn't want to admit, he didn't necessarily care about that incident. Guilt settled in as he realized all of his wrongs, how [Surname] endured all his actions; violent outbursts of shouting and the silent storm.</p><p> </p><p>        Now that he considers it, he did see the signs, he felt betrayed by himself. He knows he can't justify his actions, not like he would want to, but he didn't want to hurt them; he really didn't, but another side of him grew in his chest and took over his heart. Years of neglecting that sensation caused an unexpected reaction, yet it felt ordinary to him; he knows he shouldn't say that kind of stuff but it felt good, it was like a guilty pleasure he shouldn't have in the first place. It stung, he thinks it does anyway, but then his mind started to wander away from him. Not before long, his friend spotted him and headed towards him, Ginger was unaware but got up to continue walking.</p><p> </p><p>        As he turns the corner, he swears his heart shattered at a familiar sound he used to love hearing, [Surname's] iconic laughter. But surely it must be someone else, after all, he knew that the [colour]-haired didn't live in the Tokyo prefecture or even liked places with large groups of people; that's right, he remembered that they would stay home to watch his games instead of attending in person due to their social anxiety. Or so he thought, the sight of his partner holding hands with another guy, they both are laughing too. He, surprisingly, didn't feel sad or disappointed, sure he felt angry, but he also felt a sense of pride to see [Surname] looking more confident in themselves. The sensation of anger took over him in the end, and the only thing keeping him from going closer is because he likes their smile, he doesn't want to waltz over and make a scene of the new couple; that, and the weight of a hand on his shoulder belonging to Kenma.</p><p> </p><p>        Let's go, is what the shorter young man says to the orange-haired male, but the latter doesn't hear him. He's focusing on what the new couple that he's unfamiliar with in front of him, or trying to hear what the duo was saying. A name is drowned from entering his mind, but after paying attention to his not-so-much shorter friend, he learns his ex's partner is. It's a name he never heard of, but apparently, he was an ace for Nohebi in high school and currently a student at Tohoku University; a psychology major. Now he's imagining it, he could picture his partner's new partner's success, the name Dr. K. Numai. Yes, he thinks to himself, I could see him as a successful man, especially with that degree and university. Mr. Kazuma Numai would graduate and become a successful psychologist, have a great home, perfect income, and the most stunning betrothed partner, Mx. [Name] Numai; hoping it'll be Mx. [Name] [Surname]-Numai instead because he found their last name beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>        The visual stung and he felt dizzy, but he was happy with that outcome as long as [Name] was happy. It stung horribly when they separated but it hurt even more when they left him, he had to return the ring and rid his thoughts of Mr. and Mx. Hinata; but he believes it was for the best. Everything was going downhill after the first three months. He gives a last glance at the future Mr. and Mx. Numai, Hinata knows he'll treat them right, better than him. Turning around to face his friend who wore a worried expression, 'let's go' and so they left while one left a message. When [Name] checked their phone, there was only one message from a hidden number and they could immediately tell who sent it, the person did leave their signature orange fruit emoji, despite their past with the person, they read it anyway. 'I'm happy for you, now fly high and free [Surname]-san.'</p><p> </p>
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